“When are you going to have a baby?”
“Well, what are you waiting on?”
“How old are you? You’re not getting any younger!”
“You know your eggs don’t act right after 35.”
“You’re in your 30’s, not your 20’s.”
These are all questions/statements I’ve fielded since the day I came home from my honeymoon. Some people mentioned a baby before I even walked down the aisle. At first, I just laughed it off. People are always ready for NEXT. No big deal.
But after awhile, it started to make me angry. WHY do people feel the need to bring up my lack of child? Why are people SO INTERESTED in the fact that I don’t have a child? Do people say this kind of stuff to my husband? Are they clocking his age, his sperm count, his ability to produce life?
AND WHY? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY is it any of your business?! HOW does this affect your life?!
And before some of you get in your feelings, I get that some people are just off-handily mentioning it. They/you mean no harm. They/you are excited (in advance) for us. Please know, I get it. But here’s why it STILL has to stop and you STILL can’t ask some of these questions.
A couple I know have been married for almost a decade. She and her husband have been trying to conceive for the entirety of their marriage. I have been privy to their struggles as a close friend. She (and I’m sure he) have fielded those same annoying (and because of their secret struggles) HEARTBREAKING questions. People didn’t know that behind closed doors, she and her husband were trying (unsuccessfully up to that point) to conceive. Those asking were completely unaware of the Dr. appointments, the failed attempts, and the strain it was causing for them personally and in their marriage.
Can you imagine what it was like for them to hear “What’s taking ya’ll so long?” “Ya’ll have been married long enough.” “What’s the holdup?”
We are not always privy to people’s personal struggles. We don’t know what folks are dealing with. And pregnancy specifically is such a personal decision! Despite what you may think, it is not always easy for people to conceive.
JUST BECAUSE THAT WAS YOUR JOURNEY, DOESN’T MEAN IT’S EVERYONE ELSE’S JOURNEY!
Just because you and your boo pumped pelvises 2 times and conceived, that doesn’t mean it’s that easy for other people.
Just because your pregnancy was 9-10 months of harmony because you prayed and God stopped the nausea, THAT MAY NOT BE EVERYBODY’S TESTIMONY!
Just because you choose to have a natural childbirth, that doesn’t mean someone else’s choice to get ALL the drugs is wrong. AND VISE VERSA!
Just because your child came out and latched on to your breast immediately, for some, that was NOT the case. Stop shaming folks for using formula!
We HAVE to stop glorifying this fallacy that there is only ONE way to do life; your way.
And let me take it step further. Let’s stop doing this with EVERYTHING! All 👏The👏Things👏!
If ONE MORE PERSON says ONE MORE THING to ANY of my friends who are unmarried about why they are still single, I’m going to start blacking eyes & snatching wigs!
As my friend once said when someone asked her last name…
“Why? You know someone who’s trying to change it?!”
If you’ve been blessed in an area, that does NOT make you an automatic expert on the subject. That doesn’t mean it is now YOUR job to tell everybody you encounter how they TOO can get over.
Some folks ain’t trying to get over.
Yeah, sit with that for a minute.
Some people don’t want children. Some people don’t want to be married. Some people don’t want to buy a house. Some people are perfectly content being stay-at-home moms OR DADS. Some people are perfectly fine balancing work & family. Some people are JUST FINE BEING WHOEVER THEY CURRENTLY ARE!
And if they aren’t, (unless you are led of the Holy Spirit or invited; most of you are neither) let God deal with it. He’s big enough. He’s grand enough. He has ALL the information. YOU are on the other hand, don’t.
On a personal note, you REALLY have no idea why I don’t have a child right now. You don’t know if I have been trying to conceive since the honeymoon and have had a miscarriage every month since October 2015. You don’t know if hubby and I don’t want kids. You don’t know if we’re currently trying and just haven’t been successful. Maybe we’re not financially viable enough to have kids! Unless you got $20,000 in starter funds on it…
AND AND….stop assuming there is something wrong with the woman. MAYBE IT’S THE MAN! You asking me about my eggs when it could be his swimmers!
Just hush. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!
If you’re Peninnah, and Elkanah was able to impregnate you RIGHT away, don’t try to play Hannah cause she’s still barren. Cause real talk, when Hannah finally DID conceive, her baby was one of the greatest prophets of the Old Testament! (Samuel) Her wait was worth it.
And Sarah, if God promised you something and you’ve been waiting so long that you almost don’t want it anymore, please don’t forfeit it to Hagar trying to make it happen on your own. It doesn’t work out well. Trust me. (another blog coming on THIS story). And Hagar, don’t be walking around like a peacock, thinking you’re special. Cause Sarah eventually put your arse out to wander in the desert. I mean, God took care of you cause He’s good like that. But, don’t play yourself!
Eliphaz, Bildad & Zopher…DO NOT step to Job like you know why he’s been afflicted with trouble unless YOU KNOW WHY HE’S BEEN AFFLICTED WITH TROUBLE! You ain’t got the answers SWAY!
And Peter! Oh, precious nosy Peter. Asking Jesus, who’s going to betray him? Always checking for John talking about “Lord what about him?” Jesus was like “Aye, if it’s my will that he remain with me until I come back, how does that concern you? You just keep following me.”
In 2017, let’s all work on being more sensitive & wise in speaking on perceived gaps in other people’s lives. Seriously.
Carrying the weight of other people’s expectations can be dangerously heavy.
And frankly, you wouldn’t want to carry them either because they’re too heavy for you too.
“…and to aspire to live quietly, to attend to your own matters, and to work with your own hands, as we instructed you.” – 1 Thessalonians 4:11 Berean SB
The soundtrack for this blog is provided by Jonathan McReynold’s “Pressure.”