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Throwback Thursdays

#ThrowbackThursday – Deliverance! A young woman’s honest look -circa ’08

So in honor of #ThrowbackThursday I’ll be pulling some old blogs from my MySpace page of all places LOL So here goes the first one…DoublePostWhammy this week! Enjoy!

05.28.08 2:31PM:written 2:40PM:posted (Took me 9 minutes to write this blog which accounts for all the editing I had to do to it. I left a good chunk of it alone though! LOL)

So its been years.

YEARS!

The same prayer. . .Lord won’t you deliver me?

And I was serious too….I ran, I jumped, I fell down, I fell up, I fell OUT, I kicked, I screamed, I sweat profusely, I spoke in tongues, I went to the altar (AGAIN AND AGAIN), I read the word, I spoke the word, I tried to act like I had good sense…People were praying, people were prophesying, Shoot a “higher up” in the kingdom even laid hands! LOL

Then I said…you know Candace, Deliverance is a choice. I had preached that before so I knew it was true (HA!) and I knew God wasn’t falling short so it had to be me….So I said…Candace, CHOOSE to be delivered. That would work for about 3 weeks or so and then I’d find myself back in the same patterns…

And then I got frustrated! It has to be easier than this! I mean I know in God’s Kingdom we cannot and should not let ourselves be ruled by “feelings”. Like you don’t “feel” saved…You ARE saved….Salvation is not a feeling complete with goosebumps and shivers…It is a choice to turn your life over to the True and Living God…So Deliverance…How does this work? Shouldn’t  I FEEL different after deliverance???

So I sort of gave up trying to be delivered. I did. Quietly, and to myself. I just decided I would always have these issues and problems and I would just have to out-run them for the rest of my life or let them run me over. . .And frankly the “run-ME-over” perspective was looking like it was easier. It was easier to just give in than get delivered. Cause frankly, deliverance seemed really complicated.

So about a week and a half ago, I went on tour with my gospel choir. It was a blessing! I went not really expecting it to be so. I just figured I’d go and sing and come home. But God had something different in store.

On a Friday Night, at some church in Brooklyn, NY at the CLOSE of the service, the Man of God began to speak to me. Not just me, he was talking to all of us. And he asked if anyone was tired of running in circles, of the back and forth, to please come to the altar. So after a few other people got up, I went to the altar and had this exact thought:

“Here we go again”

And I was mad about being at that altar too because HOW MANY TIMES WAS I GOING TO GO TO THIS ALTAR?! Talk about the back and forth….Ugh!

So I knelt down…fully expecting nothing to happen. I did talk to God while I was down there. Even shed a few tears…Why you ask? Not because the presence of God was so heavy…No I cried because I was tired of me. I was tired of being like this and I was tired of going back to this altar. I was tired of kneeling, crying and getting back up the same. No…I wanted deliverance. I really did. But I guess wanting it just wasn’t enough.

And don’t tell me that the laying on of hands has it because I’ve had people who I knew had the Power of God working in their lives lay hands and it didn’t stop. I know I just jacked up somebody’s theology. Even right now you’re saying…Well they must not have had any real power….

But if you would come down off of your religious high horse and get honest…you’d realize that you’re battling just like I’m battling and no matter how much oil, or powerful word you sit under, or powerful men and women of God slap you on your forehead and knock you to the floor. . . .Sometimes you don’t get up changed. And that’s real.

So….back to the Altar.

I’m at the altar and I’m just kneeling there and I look to the left and my best friend is going IN and I look to the right and people are crying out to God and I’m like….Well…Jesus…I love you? I worship you? Sorry for all the wrong I’ve done? Please help me? What’s the trigger? How do I get where these other people seem to be? All the while I’m crying and snotting and stuff…but these are my thoughts. So I’m seriously considering getting up and going back to my seat when all of a sudden I feel two hands begin to rub my back.

So at first I’m put off because I don’t like just anyone touching me so I’m sort of trying to look back and see who it is. But when they’re touching me I’m not weird-ed out. I don’t feel anything off. So I’m kneeling there and then I hear. . .

“Set her free God”

And then she began to speak in tongues and I knew instantly who this person was. This was my “little” sister. The sister I adopted her freshman year of college. Who everyone says acts like me and looks like me and who I was supposed to mentor. Is she really laying hands on me asking God to set ME free? Shouldn’t this scenario be switched? I had that thought for about 15 seconds and then….

I began to cry in earnest. I wept. I spoke in tongues myself. I cried out to God and told him I wanted to be set free. And she and I came into agreement right then and there that I would be set free. I never said a word to her, she never said one to me. But we agreed. I got up off that altar and as I was walking back to my seat, I was stopped by one of my other good friends and she said. . .

“Candace, mark the day. It’s done. You won’t go back anymore. It’s done sis. Mark the day.”

MY GOD! Had I been delivered? Had I just been delivered at that altar? I didn’t FEEL any different. But yet. . .I believed I was delivered.

Hmmm.

So even after that the Pastor of the church laid hands on me, I fell forward (that was new! LOL) and after I got up, even the rest of that night…I wondered if I was truly delivered. Because again, I didn’t FEEL any difference. For all I knew this could have been the same ol, same ol.

But…..I got back from New York and I went on about my daily routine.

Now here is where the story gets interesting.
I had an opportunity to yield to the enemy or the spirit of the Lord. As soon as I got back. I had the opportunity to yield to the flesh OR walk in the spirit.

I passed the test ya’ll! I walked in the Spirit. Now. . .its not as if I wasn’t tempted cause GOD KNOWS I was. . .I was like. . .Ooooooh….SO wrong…but it feels so RIGHT! But here is my revelation about deliverance. . .It is not that I wasn’t tempted or that the temptation wasn’t strong. . .But here is the deliverance. . .the PROPENSITY to walk according to the will of God OUTWEIGHED the urge to yield to the Flesh. Before that would not have been the case. And not only did I not yeild, I turned. Whew!
It is not enough to shut the door, you must lock it and TURN AWAY from the door and start walking towards another door. The right door, the Godly door.

And how did deliverance come? Here is a revelation too.

STOP waiting for your pastor, or Bishop So-and-So, or TD Jakes, or Noel Jones or Sheryl Brady, or Prophetess Bynum to come to town and lay their hands on you, knock you out to the ground where you lay out for 45 min and go up into the third heaven where Jesus himself gets off throne talking about Son, Daughter your sins are forgiven you! NO! You’re missing it. Because its not coming in the correct package, your missing your own deliverance.

I got delivered when a friend of mine came into agreement with my spirit at an unfamiliar altar surrounded by a group of my peers. I wasn’t Minister Tucker that night. I was just a girl needing some help from her Daddy. And thank God my “Little Sister” heard the voice of her Daddy telling her to aid in my deliverance.

The body of Christ is waiting on the “Heavy Hitters” to do all the work but that’s not how we are set up. We are supposed to be doing something. Stop waiting for Mega Fest for you to get your Spiritual Breakthrough once a year!

The devil!

As believers we should be at our jobs laying hands on each other in the bathroom if need be. (Some of ya’ll are going to try that tomorrow…now don’t be sending up strange fire-acting all deep and spiritual). But what I’m saying is…we don’t and shouldn’t have to wait to get deliverance when we’re at church at the altar with our pastor. No. We shouldn’t wait to hear what thus saith the Lord when Prophetess Bynum comes to town and points us out in the crowd. We should be edifying one another even right NOW! Even as we go out to eat. Even as we hold small group bible study in our homes. Even as we are at our jobs.

Deliverance is coming-are you prepared to accept it the way that its coming?

And it when it comes. . .its still a process…to walk in it everyday. . .but it gets easier and Deliverance is when the Holy Spirit stands up in you & is like “No, we’re not going there. Turn!” and you don’t think about it so long before you actually do it.

So yeah. . .I’m no longer deliberating on my deliverance (HA! I’ll preach that!) but I’m letting it have its perfect work in my life so I will be lacking nothing. . .

Just as an update for those of you out there…. 6 years later…I never did go back. #JesusWorks

uBu4Him

#YouShallNotBePleased

IMG_0426.JPGNo matter WHAT I do….No matter if I say all the right things, at all the right times with all the right facial expressions and accompanying hand motions…

#YouShallNotBePleased

#NoMatter if I think it through and make every decision with you in mind
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I pray long and heap grace upon grace
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I hear from The Lord and speak what He says
#YouShallNotPleased
#NoMatter if I silence His voice to protect how you feel
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I play down my greatness so you’re mediocrity can be comfortable
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I walk in humility the way God intended
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I scrub off black-ness so you can continue to bathe in ignorance
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I paint on black-ness so I fit well on your color-wheel
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I beat back my Woman to be more of a “lady”
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I “man-up” and shut down my emotions
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I wear what you want and act how you like
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I become less me and more like you
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I stay more me and become More Me
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I dead my “tiger” to appease your “housecat”
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if my opinions stay to myself
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I speak loud and clear
#YouShallNotBePleased

#NoMatter if I’m perfect everyday
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I err greatly
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I act more like the person you favor and less like me
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I become more how God intended me to be
#YouShallNotBePleased

And so I cease. I cease trying to please you because
#YouShallNotBePleased

And regardless of the effort I put in to making your world more comfortable for YOU to live in, I am simultaneously destroying any hope of expanding my own.

It is exhausting constantly trying to live up to the expectations of those who #ShallNotBePleased

For we find that #nomatter WHAT we do, HOW we do it, For HOW LONG we do it, WHERE we do it, WHO we do it with or WHEN we do it

We cannot do it for you.
We must do it for ourselves.

At the end of the day….
#WeMUSTbePleased

We…. the past, present and future me.
#WeMustBePleased

We….The Father, Son and Holy Spirit who take up residence within me
#WEMUSTBEPLEASED

So I seek to #please those who can be pleased

“This is my daughter with whom I am WELL PLEASED….”

#HeShallBePleased

Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or an I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

IMG_0426.JPG

uBu4Him

uBu4Him

WHAT in the world does that creative little phrase mean anyway?
I thought it was pretty hott when God gave it to me years ago.
I thought it was a theme for a youth conference (Who knows? It may become one yet!) that never actually happened.
BUT, it kept resonating with me as it sat on my desk…staring back at me for years…
Then one day, GAWD SPOKE! (don’t you just love when preachers get all “preachery?” LOL)

No but really…I kept struggling with this whole idea of who I was…
Fitting into boxes.
Not fitting into boxes. Are boxes okay?
Boxes are NOT okay!
But, can I be ME in a box?
But don’t I need to fit somewhere?
Jesus was out the box!
And yet….in a box.
I have no idea. I am over it. Who cares?!

For 2-3 years (or 32 years depending how you look at it-LOL), I essentially wrestled with who I was, who I presented to the world, and who God said I was.

I was confused and truly in despair. It is a difficult thing to try to work for God and not know who you are IN God.
Since I was a child, I tried to be who others wanted me to be. That was exhausting! I grew up in the church essentially believing that being polite was being a Christian. You shouldn’t disagree (at least, not too much). You certainly shouldn’t upset the apple cart in any situation.  If you are frustrated with something or someone, you push that aside and try to act okay. If you are angry, that is certainly not to be displayed. Be quiet. Don’t show anyone how you truly feel.

I never wanted to present anything negative to the world around me. Even to those I counted as true friends, I didn’t want them to see my faults. I was convinced that if anyone saw the ugly, negative, selfish, angry, insecure, mean-spirited, flippant side of me, they would NEVER want to be my friend (I mean, really, who befriends people like that?!). So I presented the “watered-down” version of Candace. The version that was bland enough not to upset your stomach. It didn’t really have a taste to it. It wasn’t a meal you’d remember but it wasn’t something that’d send you to the bathroom either.

I spent almost my whole life trying to be “in the middle.” Not high enough for anyone to think of me as a target, but not low enough to be forgotten.
And trust me…I worked hard at being in the middle. Throughout middle school, high school and college….I WORKED HARD at trying to be in the middle.

BUT….something really annoying kept happening.
I kept finding myself in front.
I don’t say this in a spirit of pride, I say this because as much as I tried to be a follower, I kept alternatively trying to be the leader.

I had no problem taking the position of “leader” in theory but I had a hard time transitioning to that in a concrete way. In that way, I was still following, afraid to be my true self. Afraid of what that would make me look like. Afraid that people wouldn’t like me. Afraid I wouldn’t be accepted.

For the last few years, I’ve laid stagnant in so many areas of my life and today it breaks my heart. You know why?
Because I know it breaks Daddy’s heart (that’d be God) to think of all the time I wasted being less than who He uniquely created me to be.
I use to think I was trying to stay humble acting like I was less….. #thedevil

UH NO!

It’s not pride to walk in confidence in ALL that God has designed you to be.

Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote earlier in the year.

I just got a Keurig for Christmas, and I love it. But what if I simply used it to heat up water and still made my coffee the regular way? Granted, it’s just coffee. BUT, the  Keurig is made for SO much more. It’s pretty sitting on my counter, but how tragic to have something so complex, so wonderful and not utilize it for ALL it can offer me?

Sometimes I find myself doing that. I sit pretty, but I only let God use me “a little bit”. He didn’t create me to just “heat up water”. He created me to make coffee, and 2-part brew lattes, ice coffees, to brew loose teas, hot chocolates….(go with my analogy people!) He created me to make 6oz espresso’s and 14 oz travel sized ice tea!

I don’t want to be under-utilized…That would be the tragedy of my life…to be underused by God! I don’t want him to just say “Well done” I want him to say “You’re SPENT! You gave it ALL to me!”

That’s what this BLOG is intended to be all about. Every person I encounter, I only desire that UBU4Him. It’s all I desire for myself. I want every gift, every talent, every purpose to be used in service to Him. I don’t want to ever again be consumed with what people think over pleasing God.

Anything I tackle on this blog, any subject matter is all to help & ensure that UBU4Him. It may not be agreeable to you, it may not even be for you right now. You might not agree. But I am not worried about if “the food is bland” anymore. As long as it does the job of nourishing and maybe even cleaning you out….I’m good with that. 🙂

I think one of the greatest tragedies of Christian-dom is everyone running around trying to be a carbon-copy of someone else in the Kingdom. Do you realize that if you’re trying to be someone else, you’re missing out on all the opportunities that God created ONLY FOR YOU?! Only you can do what you can do, how you do it!

We have so many people in the kingdom trying to be functions of the head…. You want to hear, see and speak. We have really forgotten that without the feet, we’re not moving anywhere. Without the arms, we can’t reach out. Without the hands, we can’t take hold. Don’t even get me started on the internal organs that no one sees- but without which WE DIE!

So people please….uBU4Him. Whatever that means. Even it means you sacrifice comfort-ability or conformity. If it means you sacrifice so-called friends or familiar fiends. Don’t grieve His heart being less, indifferent, afraid or completely the antithesis of YOU!

SO…Let’s walk this journey together shall we? I don’t have all the answers. I don’t always succeed in being myself. I’m not always the best version of me. Whether I’m planning my wedding (which I’m in the midst of doing now), going to work, interacting with friends, mentoring, being mentored, teaching, preaching or praying. The fact that this blog/website is even here is another step in being more myself.

So you’ll see it all. My wedding rants, my thoughts on current events, things God has been dealing with me about, my fears and prayerfully my triumphs! My true prayer is that this blog serves to make you “get out of the boat and walk on the water with Jesus.”

YES! Let’s become water-walkers together! Let’s LAUNCH out into the DEEP! Do what you will. JUST REMEMBER….

#UBU4HIM

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

~C