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uBu4Him

#ImSoSorry

Dear Candace,

I have so much to apologize to you for, I don’t quite know where to start. I’ve not been a good friend to you. I thought I was, but looking back through the years, I haven’t. I committed atrocious crimes against you; thinking I was helping. In anger, I’ve called you names. Sometimes I said I was joking when I called you these names, but I only did it so someone else didn’t say it first. I thought you’d be able to take it better from me. I’ve called you stupid. At first, I don’t think you believed me, but over time I kept saying it to you. I’d say it in different ways so I wouldn’t overtly hurt you, but… I was calling you stupid. I said, “Well, you don’t have your degree.” I let other people say it to you too. But because you started to believe it, I stopped protecting you from it. I let you feel the full weight. I let it oppress you. I allowed you to believe because you didn’t finish school that you lacked intelligence & worth; that you didn’t measure up to others. I don’t think I realized what an anchor I was putting around your neck. It made you stop seeking. You’ve always loved learning but I made you feel too dumb to understand concepts on your own. You stopped reading to learn; you only read to escape. Instead of challenging you on it, I let the lie take root, set up shop and live in the cracks & crevices of your mind. Every time you misspelled a word, it reinforced how dumb you were and I let you believe it. I let you think that you were incapable. What’s really sad is I let it happen with relative ease & secrecy. On the outside, you seemed okay. You tried to intelligently speak on various topics and you even taught workshops to others. But on the inside, you felt worthless. You lived in fear that every day someone would find out the truth~ that you were masquerading as someone smart.

So I slowly started quieting you; after all, I didn’t want anyone to embarrass you in public. I thought I was helping you. There would be small moments of victory for you. Someone we respected would say something nice to you or about you; you could dine on that for weeks. But, alternatively, their silence could kill you. I allowed your esteem to get so low. I let every label that others put on you to define you.

College drop-out. Minister. Best Friend. Daughter. Big Butt Girl. Diva. Christian. Manager. Leader. Youth Pastor. Teacher. Introvert. Wife.

It started to overwhelm you, but I wouldn’t listen. I just told you to keep on…being. No matter that with every label you were struggling more & more with who you actually were. I heard you crying out. I gave you 20 minutes during Sunday Service to get it out of your system. I thought that was enough. I reminded you that there are people who you needed to be there for. There are people with “real” problems. I told you to suck it up. So you tucked those feelings away with the other ones and I locked the box to make sure they didn’t get out. I fixed your lips into a smile, slipped a pair of jeans over your ever expanding body, bought you a new pair of shoes and told you to keep it moving.

Can I just say, I’m really sorry about the whole weight gain thing? You hate working out and you love food (especially when we’re unhappy) so I just let it happen. The worst part were all those names I called you while you stood naked in the mirror. I hated you when I saw you in the mirror. I stopped you from taking pics. I was convinced no one wanted to see your sloppy fat self. I kept buying you new clothes but apparently, you can’t fix what’s broken on the inside with fixes for the outside. You didn’t feel sexy and I convinced you that you weren’t beautiful either. So when you weren’t satisfied sexually, I convinced you it was wholly your fault. “You’re too fat to be confident & sexy.” Making you feel this way just made you eat more. And because I’ve told you your whole life that you lack discipline, I made you believe there was nothing you could do about it. Of course, you felt ugly. I certainly didn’t try to convince you otherwise. When other people asked if you were pregnant or didn’t recognize you because of weight gain, I let you internalize that.

I really haven’t been so good to you. I never let you deal with the ramifications of your sexual abuse. I told you that you were fine and you believed me. You helped others deal with their horrible scenarios, but your own? You tucked it away. I convinced you that you only had minimal effects, but I was wrong. They loomed large and reared their heads more as you got older. It’s starting to erupt within you. I tried to quiet the screaming as I did before. I don’t need you putting your stuff out there, but you won’t be quieted anymore.

You won’t (can’t) stop screaming. It’s LOUD.

I realized that I only ever talk to you about what’s wrong with you. I hardly ever tell you the good. I never speak life to you. I get so angry when other people treat you like crap but well… I do too. Maybe that’s why you let them do it and say it because… I’ve already done it and said it. I don’t even let the good things people say about you to stick. It’s easier to manipulate you if only believe the bad stuff. I’m really sorry about that; controlling you with low self-esteem. It makes it easier to help you be lazy & unproductive.

For awhile, that was okay. It was easy. I’m all about easy. But lately, easy has been severely unsatisfying. The easy life I helped you build, sucks. At one point you had purpose & passion & confidence. I remember who you were before the abuse wrecked your moral compass  & sense of worth. I remember that person who wasn’t cynical; who believed good things (even about herself). Is it too late to get her back? Is it too late to dig up God’s original design for you? I know I told you it was too late to dream again~ to figure out purpose again, but I was wrong. I am so sorry I aided & a bedded in your demise. I really thought I was keeping you safe. When you shouted “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!”, I put a bag over your head and suffocated you. It was only because I didn’t want you to get hurt. You couldn’t breathe; I was killing you. I thought I was helping.

Then one day, I couldn’t breathe either. I was gasping for air & I couldn’t gain control.

I realized that what I was doing to you, I was doing to me.

I could no longer control the perception & I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to act like you were free. I wanted you to be free. The best part was the freer you became, the freer I became. I want to love you for the very first time. It takes courage & faith, but the pair is all I’ve got. I don’t even have a lot of it; just a bit. I’ve got a little bit a courage, faith as a mustard seed and a promise to treat you better.

Maybe I can change our lives again.
This time, for the better.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
-Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

~ C.W.

The soundtrack for this blog is provided by Kirk Franklin’s “Declaration! This is it!”

uBu4Him, Uncategorized

#FORMATION

Yep. I did it. I took something that is pop-culturally relevant and I’m about to use it for my own purposes to illustrate a biblical truth. Yes, the mere fact of Beyonce’s picture being up there will probably drive more traffic to my site. I don’t feel no ways about it either. You don’t like it… #BYE

Now for the rest of you. Hello!
I promise I was watching the Superbowl like the rest of you…mouths agape as I saw this ICON (feel anyway you want to about Bey, she is an ICON of this generation) take the field with all those subtle and not AT ALL subtle illustrations of Black, Woman empowerment! I then also saw the onslaught of foolishness from EVERYBODY (Hive-included-YES I SAID IT!) and I was over it before I could even begin. UGH with the Formation already! GEEZ, ya’ll mad or naw?!

So, it surprised ME more than anything that when I was about to tweet a thought about the #BOC (Body of Christ for the unenlightened); as I was typing out the thought, before I could catch myself, my hands flew across the keyboard, “We need to get in #Formation.”

I’m sorry, Qhwhat you say there Jesus? Come again?

I deleted it IMMEDIATELY because…

Nope.

I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEE when the #BOC turn EVERYTHING culturally relevant into a SERMON, A POST, A SONG… And I’ve said so too…so you know my next thought… #FearofJudgementfromthePentecostalPeanutGallery

Ya’ll won’t be looking at ME like… Well like Beyonce’ in the below pic.
FormationBeyonceNOPE.
But then, I hear the Holy Spirit so clearly and all that joker does is float a picture of my last blog post across my mind. #FearBeLyingYall

Word?  You Right.

Okay so here I go.

Soooooooooooo let me start with this good question…
What does Formation even mean? Not in the Beyonce context. Let’s try the Webster context. (Remember him? Some ya’ll of ya’ll need to meet him for yourself. But I digress!)

Formation:

  1. 1.
    the action of forming or process of being formed.
    “the formation of the Great Rift Valley”
    synonyms: emergence, coming into being, genesis, development, evolution,shaping, origination More

  2. 2.
    a structure or arrangement of something.
    “a cloud formation”
    synonyms: configuration, arrangement, pattern, array, alignment, positioning,disposition, order

    “the aircraft were flying in tight formation”

    Let’s tackle the second one. The structure or arrangement of something. Synonyms are “arrangement, positioning, alignment, order.”

    If I could preach a sermon about the #BOC, main issues would be
    “We can’t get in position, buck against arrangements of any kind, don’t want to be in alignment and SO OUT OF ORDER!”
    Why would you say that is?
    I would say it’s because we can’t conquer Definition #1 #Formation
    Since I won’t define a word with its own word, Let’s say it like this:
    “The act or process of being developed or shaped.”
    You’re about to be mad. It’s okay. You’re in good company on this blog.

    WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY do we so STRENUOUSLY avoid being developed?! WHY do we run for the hills every time God is trying to process us?!
    We go to church each week, some of us twice or thrice and we don’t leave changed.
    We don’t.
    We sing our songs, we lead our solos, we serve diligently, we preach, we teach, but we are the same.
    The same fearful, jealous, petty, passive-aggressive, non-confrontational, depressed, weary, joy-less, mean-spirited, bitter, self & others loathing, oppressed people we were when we came in the doors! First of all, in my humble opinion, it’s because we refuse to confront our emotional issues. I’m currently reading a FANTASTIC book
    Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
    He speaks to not being able to deal with emotional scars and our oft-ignored feelings; shoving them aside and essentially pouring “Christianity” over them.
    But what I would also speak to is that we not only won’t confront our own selves, we rebuff anyone else who God might be sending our way to help get us together.

    Everyone isn’t hating on you.
    Let me say this in all truth. I have been the type of person who wasn’t open enough to hear if God was using someone to illustrate a particular truth in my life. Not because I thought I was so fabulous; more so because I was scared that I had been found out. I was so busy being scared to let people know how jacked I really was that whenever anyone would point out a particular flaw, I would either deflect, deny or get defensive. But where did ANY of that ever get me? I’ll tell you where.

    Isolated.
    Exhausted. (Wearing that mask all the time is tiring)
    Playing the Blame Game (It’s YOU, it’s not ME)
    Constantly having to talk about other people so no one ever shined the light this way.
    Afraid of being found out.
    Which brings me back to Isolation.

    There is NOTHING the devil loves more than to get us isolated.
    We actually ARE made for community.
    That whole scripture about “Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together…” – Hebrews 10:25

    Yeah, He meant that thing. But not so He could brow beat you into going into a building, but because He knows there is strength there.
    Do you think God needs anyone? (Yes we could go theologically deep on that question, but let’s just keep it simple, shall we?)
    He doesn’t. But He chose to reveal himself in 3 distinct forms. “Let US make man in OUR image.” -Genesis 1:26
    He chooses to use US to do His work & will in the Earth. Despite how nuts we are.
    So when you refuse to allow yourself one of the divine privileges of community, how do you think that makes God feel?
    Ask yourself, When is the last time you were able to sit and let someone speak into your life in truth and honesty and you didn’t have to go
    “But you-“
    I’m not talking a “Prophetic Utterance” in the way we’re conditioned to think of it.
    When is the last time you let a friend/your husband/your wife/bay/co-worker (that you may not even like) say something to you that ya’ll BOTH knew you didn’t want to hear?
    Are you the type of person that is open to criticism of your person? Not your work…Not your project…Not even who you’re dating. YOUR PERSON! (Cause truth be told, if we let God deal with the untouched aspects of our person, we’d probably get delivered in the area of the fools we keep allowing into our spaces #JustSaying)

    Can you declare #OpenSeason for the Purpose of #LifeGettingSeason ?

    Can someone tell you, “You’re wrong.” Can someone say “That comment was unnecessary” Can someone call out jealousy, pride, a critical spirit, prejudice or even un-biblical behavior in you?

    I say this.
    There is NO WAY the Body of Christ can get in #FORMATION if we can’t even get our own selves in #Formation
    If you’re Dancer #3, HOW are we going to ROCK OUT at the Super Bowl if your right arm keeps going LIMP when we need it OUTSTRETCHED & FISTED towards the SKY?!

    But you want to get mad when the Choreographer sends one of the other dancers over to help you get arm up? #GetYourLife

We have to be willing to let God do the work in us. Yes, it does take a level of maturity. It takes tackling fear head on. It takes safe spaces and sometimes NOT safe spaces.

And for those of you reading this thinking “YES! Here’s my opportunity to let loose on so-and-so.” No boo boo. Not at all. Please don’t do that.

When a surgeon goes into cut, he or she goes in carefully, skillfully and for the purpose of cutting the bad before it infects the good. He or she doesn’t go in HACKING away hoping to hit something for the sheer enjoyment of it. The enjoyment should come in the bettering of the patient; not the glee of getting to cut.

COME ON JESUS! I think God just delivered ME in that last paragraph! YAAAAAAAAAAS!

And for those who have something to say to someone…

Walk in authority & love. The two are NOT mutually exclusive.
I say that to myself more than anyone else. I have almost ruined friendships by being afraid to be honest. But you can also ruin a friendship by being too afraid (or too prideful) to be confronted too.

So if you’re not a member of the “Bey-hive” the word is still the same to you.
It’s STILL time to get in #Formation
We can’t do that moving every time God is ready to “cut”
We can’t do that being scared to be authentic.
We can’t do that being jealous of sister-girl cause she got to be in the front behind Bey (or lead the dance ministry or called to preach or had the baby first or got the contract you wanted or whatever your issue is)
We can’t do that criticizing who’s next to us in #Formation cause they mis-stepped during the performance.
We can’t do that constantly battling those who are themselves embattled.

Get in #FORMATION

2 Timothy 4:1-5

Soundtrack for this blog is brought to you by I Am God by Kirk Franklin feat. Toby Mac

 

uBu4Him

Fear Be LYING ya’ll.

FearIsaLiar
So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on my own blog. Not written on it. It’s been
MONTHS since I even LOOKED at the thing. SMH I’m a hot mess. Ya’ll keep me in prayer, hear? Now I could give a cockamamie excuse as to why or I could give you a completely plausible one (ie: I got married last year, YAY ME!) but they would both be complete lies. I’ll just tell you the deal. I got scared & I was lazy.
I’m a GREAT starter, but I tend to really struggle with finishing stuff. Not only that, there was a great deal going on in the world for 2015; the #BlackLivesMatter movement being one. And while I have opined on my personal Facebook, I didn’t feel the Holy Spirit was pressing me to talk about that on this blog. And honestly, I felt weird about that. How am I supposed to talk about something so COMPLETELY off topic of what is going on in my immediate sphere? And really if I’m honest I was more concerned about people judging me for that. I was scared.

And then, writing takes time! No really, it’s time consuming; especially the way I do it. I agonize over every detail. I worry over every sentence. I’m trying to work on that. Even before I started writing this, I spent hours re-designing my blog. HOURS. I wasn’t even supposed to re-design my blog. I was just supposed to write. But, you know, the devil is busy. No really, because I could have sat here and kept re-designing because that would have kept me from doing what I came here to do; which is to write!

Writing scares me. A friend of mine said to me one time (paraphrased) that the reason I re-write or don’t write is that I’m scared that people will misinterpret or misunderstand what I say. #TrueStatement I don’t even like to share how I feel about things OUT LOUD because I’m always worried someone will disagree with me & pick me apart and tell me how STUPID I am to believe…WHATEVER it is I believe. And a lot of times what I believe is counter to the culture. Not just world-culture, but sometimes church-culture too. And it’s hard these days to STAND in not just MY truth, but in God’s truth.

So when I name my site uBu4Him, you have no idea how God is making that truth real in my own life. I started a website & a blog around this idea but I wouldn’t let it truly penetrate because of FEAR.

Can I tell you how much fear gets on my d*mn nerves?! No really. It’s SOOOOO annoying! Like, it’s the most debilitating, thee most hindering, the most possessive of enemies. I cannot tell you how long I have been fighting with fear. Well, let’s be honest. I haven’t always fought it. Most times, I just let it hold on to me and stop me. When Fear & Laziness get together, it’s HORRIBLE! Can you imagine having to battle those two simultaneously? And let me tell you how those two love to feed each other. Fear stops me from finishing and allows me to be lazy, then laziness steeps and allows me to be even scared to start again.

Fear be LYING yall.

Fear tells me I can’t post on this blog, cause it isn’t designed perfectly. Wait until it’s perfect.
Fear tells me this blog isn’t deep enough so I should stop writing.
Fear tells me my voice isn’t necessary in the blogosphere because really…who wants to listen to ME? What do I have to say that hasn’t been said?
Fear tells me to STOP.
Fear tells me it’s not good enough.
Fear tells me I’M not good enough.
Fear tells me I shouldn’t say that. Don’t say it like that. Don’t say it at all. Just don’t.

FEAR BE LYING YA’LL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I am, AGAIN. I’m making a commitment to writing this blog. AGAIN. I’m making a committment to being myself on this blog. AGAIN. I’m committed to letting Christ speak through me without worrying myself that you won’t be okay with it.

I just don’t want to drag fear into this year; and I sure don’t want it dragging me. And what I’ve realized as I’m finishing this post…Is that I started this blog with great intentions; but they were misdirected. I started this blog to “help” somebody. Here’s what I know. This blog is here to help ME. It’s here to help me cultivate writing on a regular basis. It’s here to help me hear God speak to ME even as I’m writing. It’s hear to help ME become more of MYSELF in Christ. It’s here to FREE me from FEAR & LAZINESS.

I have made a commitment for 2016 to write on this blog AT LEAST once a month. I’m up at 1AM because I am DETERMINED that on February 1, there will be a blog post. No, my blog isn’t perfected. There are a lot of things that will change. But I’m just going to DO IT AFRAID.

Unperfected. A little late. But it’s done.

 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3 ESV

Soundtrack for this blog is brought to you by India Arie-Strength, Courage & Wisdom.

Throwback Thursdays

#ThrowbackThursday – Deliverance! A young woman’s honest look -circa ’08

So in honor of #ThrowbackThursday I’ll be pulling some old blogs from my MySpace page of all places LOL So here goes the first one…DoublePostWhammy this week! Enjoy!

05.28.08 2:31PM:written 2:40PM:posted (Took me 9 minutes to write this blog which accounts for all the editing I had to do to it. I left a good chunk of it alone though! LOL)

So its been years.

YEARS!

The same prayer. . .Lord won’t you deliver me?

And I was serious too….I ran, I jumped, I fell down, I fell up, I fell OUT, I kicked, I screamed, I sweat profusely, I spoke in tongues, I went to the altar (AGAIN AND AGAIN), I read the word, I spoke the word, I tried to act like I had good sense…People were praying, people were prophesying, Shoot a “higher up” in the kingdom even laid hands! LOL

Then I said…you know Candace, Deliverance is a choice. I had preached that before so I knew it was true (HA!) and I knew God wasn’t falling short so it had to be me….So I said…Candace, CHOOSE to be delivered. That would work for about 3 weeks or so and then I’d find myself back in the same patterns…

And then I got frustrated! It has to be easier than this! I mean I know in God’s Kingdom we cannot and should not let ourselves be ruled by “feelings”. Like you don’t “feel” saved…You ARE saved….Salvation is not a feeling complete with goosebumps and shivers…It is a choice to turn your life over to the True and Living God…So Deliverance…How does this work? Shouldn’t  I FEEL different after deliverance???

So I sort of gave up trying to be delivered. I did. Quietly, and to myself. I just decided I would always have these issues and problems and I would just have to out-run them for the rest of my life or let them run me over. . .And frankly the “run-ME-over” perspective was looking like it was easier. It was easier to just give in than get delivered. Cause frankly, deliverance seemed really complicated.

So about a week and a half ago, I went on tour with my gospel choir. It was a blessing! I went not really expecting it to be so. I just figured I’d go and sing and come home. But God had something different in store.

On a Friday Night, at some church in Brooklyn, NY at the CLOSE of the service, the Man of God began to speak to me. Not just me, he was talking to all of us. And he asked if anyone was tired of running in circles, of the back and forth, to please come to the altar. So after a few other people got up, I went to the altar and had this exact thought:

“Here we go again”

And I was mad about being at that altar too because HOW MANY TIMES WAS I GOING TO GO TO THIS ALTAR?! Talk about the back and forth….Ugh!

So I knelt down…fully expecting nothing to happen. I did talk to God while I was down there. Even shed a few tears…Why you ask? Not because the presence of God was so heavy…No I cried because I was tired of me. I was tired of being like this and I was tired of going back to this altar. I was tired of kneeling, crying and getting back up the same. No…I wanted deliverance. I really did. But I guess wanting it just wasn’t enough.

And don’t tell me that the laying on of hands has it because I’ve had people who I knew had the Power of God working in their lives lay hands and it didn’t stop. I know I just jacked up somebody’s theology. Even right now you’re saying…Well they must not have had any real power….

But if you would come down off of your religious high horse and get honest…you’d realize that you’re battling just like I’m battling and no matter how much oil, or powerful word you sit under, or powerful men and women of God slap you on your forehead and knock you to the floor. . . .Sometimes you don’t get up changed. And that’s real.

So….back to the Altar.

I’m at the altar and I’m just kneeling there and I look to the left and my best friend is going IN and I look to the right and people are crying out to God and I’m like….Well…Jesus…I love you? I worship you? Sorry for all the wrong I’ve done? Please help me? What’s the trigger? How do I get where these other people seem to be? All the while I’m crying and snotting and stuff…but these are my thoughts. So I’m seriously considering getting up and going back to my seat when all of a sudden I feel two hands begin to rub my back.

So at first I’m put off because I don’t like just anyone touching me so I’m sort of trying to look back and see who it is. But when they’re touching me I’m not weird-ed out. I don’t feel anything off. So I’m kneeling there and then I hear. . .

“Set her free God”

And then she began to speak in tongues and I knew instantly who this person was. This was my “little” sister. The sister I adopted her freshman year of college. Who everyone says acts like me and looks like me and who I was supposed to mentor. Is she really laying hands on me asking God to set ME free? Shouldn’t this scenario be switched? I had that thought for about 15 seconds and then….

I began to cry in earnest. I wept. I spoke in tongues myself. I cried out to God and told him I wanted to be set free. And she and I came into agreement right then and there that I would be set free. I never said a word to her, she never said one to me. But we agreed. I got up off that altar and as I was walking back to my seat, I was stopped by one of my other good friends and she said. . .

“Candace, mark the day. It’s done. You won’t go back anymore. It’s done sis. Mark the day.”

MY GOD! Had I been delivered? Had I just been delivered at that altar? I didn’t FEEL any different. But yet. . .I believed I was delivered.

Hmmm.

So even after that the Pastor of the church laid hands on me, I fell forward (that was new! LOL) and after I got up, even the rest of that night…I wondered if I was truly delivered. Because again, I didn’t FEEL any difference. For all I knew this could have been the same ol, same ol.

But…..I got back from New York and I went on about my daily routine.

Now here is where the story gets interesting.
I had an opportunity to yield to the enemy or the spirit of the Lord. As soon as I got back. I had the opportunity to yield to the flesh OR walk in the spirit.

I passed the test ya’ll! I walked in the Spirit. Now. . .its not as if I wasn’t tempted cause GOD KNOWS I was. . .I was like. . .Ooooooh….SO wrong…but it feels so RIGHT! But here is my revelation about deliverance. . .It is not that I wasn’t tempted or that the temptation wasn’t strong. . .But here is the deliverance. . .the PROPENSITY to walk according to the will of God OUTWEIGHED the urge to yield to the Flesh. Before that would not have been the case. And not only did I not yeild, I turned. Whew!
It is not enough to shut the door, you must lock it and TURN AWAY from the door and start walking towards another door. The right door, the Godly door.

And how did deliverance come? Here is a revelation too.

STOP waiting for your pastor, or Bishop So-and-So, or TD Jakes, or Noel Jones or Sheryl Brady, or Prophetess Bynum to come to town and lay their hands on you, knock you out to the ground where you lay out for 45 min and go up into the third heaven where Jesus himself gets off throne talking about Son, Daughter your sins are forgiven you! NO! You’re missing it. Because its not coming in the correct package, your missing your own deliverance.

I got delivered when a friend of mine came into agreement with my spirit at an unfamiliar altar surrounded by a group of my peers. I wasn’t Minister Tucker that night. I was just a girl needing some help from her Daddy. And thank God my “Little Sister” heard the voice of her Daddy telling her to aid in my deliverance.

The body of Christ is waiting on the “Heavy Hitters” to do all the work but that’s not how we are set up. We are supposed to be doing something. Stop waiting for Mega Fest for you to get your Spiritual Breakthrough once a year!

The devil!

As believers we should be at our jobs laying hands on each other in the bathroom if need be. (Some of ya’ll are going to try that tomorrow…now don’t be sending up strange fire-acting all deep and spiritual). But what I’m saying is…we don’t and shouldn’t have to wait to get deliverance when we’re at church at the altar with our pastor. No. We shouldn’t wait to hear what thus saith the Lord when Prophetess Bynum comes to town and points us out in the crowd. We should be edifying one another even right NOW! Even as we go out to eat. Even as we hold small group bible study in our homes. Even as we are at our jobs.

Deliverance is coming-are you prepared to accept it the way that its coming?

And it when it comes. . .its still a process…to walk in it everyday. . .but it gets easier and Deliverance is when the Holy Spirit stands up in you & is like “No, we’re not going there. Turn!” and you don’t think about it so long before you actually do it.

So yeah. . .I’m no longer deliberating on my deliverance (HA! I’ll preach that!) but I’m letting it have its perfect work in my life so I will be lacking nothing. . .

Just as an update for those of you out there…. 6 years later…I never did go back. #JesusWorks

uBu4Him

#YouShallNotBePleased

IMG_0426.JPGNo matter WHAT I do….No matter if I say all the right things, at all the right times with all the right facial expressions and accompanying hand motions…

#YouShallNotBePleased

#NoMatter if I think it through and make every decision with you in mind
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I pray long and heap grace upon grace
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I hear from The Lord and speak what He says
#YouShallNotPleased
#NoMatter if I silence His voice to protect how you feel
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I play down my greatness so you’re mediocrity can be comfortable
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I walk in humility the way God intended
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I scrub off black-ness so you can continue to bathe in ignorance
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I paint on black-ness so I fit well on your color-wheel
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I beat back my Woman to be more of a “lady”
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I “man-up” and shut down my emotions
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I wear what you want and act how you like
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I become less me and more like you
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I stay more me and become More Me
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I dead my “tiger” to appease your “housecat”
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if my opinions stay to myself
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I speak loud and clear
#YouShallNotBePleased

#NoMatter if I’m perfect everyday
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I err greatly
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I act more like the person you favor and less like me
#YouShallNotBePleased
#NoMatter if I become more how God intended me to be
#YouShallNotBePleased

And so I cease. I cease trying to please you because
#YouShallNotBePleased

And regardless of the effort I put in to making your world more comfortable for YOU to live in, I am simultaneously destroying any hope of expanding my own.

It is exhausting constantly trying to live up to the expectations of those who #ShallNotBePleased

For we find that #nomatter WHAT we do, HOW we do it, For HOW LONG we do it, WHERE we do it, WHO we do it with or WHEN we do it

We cannot do it for you.
We must do it for ourselves.

At the end of the day….
#WeMUSTbePleased

We…. the past, present and future me.
#WeMustBePleased

We….The Father, Son and Holy Spirit who take up residence within me
#WEMUSTBEPLEASED

So I seek to #please those who can be pleased

“This is my daughter with whom I am WELL PLEASED….”

#HeShallBePleased

Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or an I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

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uBu4Him

uBu4Him

WHAT in the world does that creative little phrase mean anyway?
I thought it was pretty hott when God gave it to me years ago.
I thought it was a theme for a youth conference (Who knows? It may become one yet!) that never actually happened.
BUT, it kept resonating with me as it sat on my desk…staring back at me for years…
Then one day, GAWD SPOKE! (don’t you just love when preachers get all “preachery?” LOL)

No but really…I kept struggling with this whole idea of who I was…
Fitting into boxes.
Not fitting into boxes. Are boxes okay?
Boxes are NOT okay!
But, can I be ME in a box?
But don’t I need to fit somewhere?
Jesus was out the box!
And yet….in a box.
I have no idea. I am over it. Who cares?!

For 2-3 years (or 32 years depending how you look at it-LOL), I essentially wrestled with who I was, who I presented to the world, and who God said I was.

I was confused and truly in despair. It is a difficult thing to try to work for God and not know who you are IN God.
Since I was a child, I tried to be who others wanted me to be. That was exhausting! I grew up in the church essentially believing that being polite was being a Christian. You shouldn’t disagree (at least, not too much). You certainly shouldn’t upset the apple cart in any situation.  If you are frustrated with something or someone, you push that aside and try to act okay. If you are angry, that is certainly not to be displayed. Be quiet. Don’t show anyone how you truly feel.

I never wanted to present anything negative to the world around me. Even to those I counted as true friends, I didn’t want them to see my faults. I was convinced that if anyone saw the ugly, negative, selfish, angry, insecure, mean-spirited, flippant side of me, they would NEVER want to be my friend (I mean, really, who befriends people like that?!). So I presented the “watered-down” version of Candace. The version that was bland enough not to upset your stomach. It didn’t really have a taste to it. It wasn’t a meal you’d remember but it wasn’t something that’d send you to the bathroom either.

I spent almost my whole life trying to be “in the middle.” Not high enough for anyone to think of me as a target, but not low enough to be forgotten.
And trust me…I worked hard at being in the middle. Throughout middle school, high school and college….I WORKED HARD at trying to be in the middle.

BUT….something really annoying kept happening.
I kept finding myself in front.
I don’t say this in a spirit of pride, I say this because as much as I tried to be a follower, I kept alternatively trying to be the leader.

I had no problem taking the position of “leader” in theory but I had a hard time transitioning to that in a concrete way. In that way, I was still following, afraid to be my true self. Afraid of what that would make me look like. Afraid that people wouldn’t like me. Afraid I wouldn’t be accepted.

For the last few years, I’ve laid stagnant in so many areas of my life and today it breaks my heart. You know why?
Because I know it breaks Daddy’s heart (that’d be God) to think of all the time I wasted being less than who He uniquely created me to be.
I use to think I was trying to stay humble acting like I was less….. #thedevil

UH NO!

It’s not pride to walk in confidence in ALL that God has designed you to be.

Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote earlier in the year.

I just got a Keurig for Christmas, and I love it. But what if I simply used it to heat up water and still made my coffee the regular way? Granted, it’s just coffee. BUT, the  Keurig is made for SO much more. It’s pretty sitting on my counter, but how tragic to have something so complex, so wonderful and not utilize it for ALL it can offer me?

Sometimes I find myself doing that. I sit pretty, but I only let God use me “a little bit”. He didn’t create me to just “heat up water”. He created me to make coffee, and 2-part brew lattes, ice coffees, to brew loose teas, hot chocolates….(go with my analogy people!) He created me to make 6oz espresso’s and 14 oz travel sized ice tea!

I don’t want to be under-utilized…That would be the tragedy of my life…to be underused by God! I don’t want him to just say “Well done” I want him to say “You’re SPENT! You gave it ALL to me!”

That’s what this BLOG is intended to be all about. Every person I encounter, I only desire that UBU4Him. It’s all I desire for myself. I want every gift, every talent, every purpose to be used in service to Him. I don’t want to ever again be consumed with what people think over pleasing God.

Anything I tackle on this blog, any subject matter is all to help & ensure that UBU4Him. It may not be agreeable to you, it may not even be for you right now. You might not agree. But I am not worried about if “the food is bland” anymore. As long as it does the job of nourishing and maybe even cleaning you out….I’m good with that. 🙂

I think one of the greatest tragedies of Christian-dom is everyone running around trying to be a carbon-copy of someone else in the Kingdom. Do you realize that if you’re trying to be someone else, you’re missing out on all the opportunities that God created ONLY FOR YOU?! Only you can do what you can do, how you do it!

We have so many people in the kingdom trying to be functions of the head…. You want to hear, see and speak. We have really forgotten that without the feet, we’re not moving anywhere. Without the arms, we can’t reach out. Without the hands, we can’t take hold. Don’t even get me started on the internal organs that no one sees- but without which WE DIE!

So people please….uBU4Him. Whatever that means. Even it means you sacrifice comfort-ability or conformity. If it means you sacrifice so-called friends or familiar fiends. Don’t grieve His heart being less, indifferent, afraid or completely the antithesis of YOU!

SO…Let’s walk this journey together shall we? I don’t have all the answers. I don’t always succeed in being myself. I’m not always the best version of me. Whether I’m planning my wedding (which I’m in the midst of doing now), going to work, interacting with friends, mentoring, being mentored, teaching, preaching or praying. The fact that this blog/website is even here is another step in being more myself.

So you’ll see it all. My wedding rants, my thoughts on current events, things God has been dealing with me about, my fears and prayerfully my triumphs! My true prayer is that this blog serves to make you “get out of the boat and walk on the water with Jesus.”

YES! Let’s become water-walkers together! Let’s LAUNCH out into the DEEP! Do what you will. JUST REMEMBER….

#UBU4HIM

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

~C